


No One Knows How To Rent An Apartment

by DeadManOverMyShoulder



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:28:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28206105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadManOverMyShoulder/pseuds/DeadManOverMyShoulder
Summary: Krillin and Piccolo try to find someone to co-sign their lease without much luck. Goku helps.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	No One Knows How To Rent An Apartment

It was a considerably dull afternoon by anyone’s standards, and it was unlikely that it could get any worse. The weather was nice, though, but Gohan wasn’t allowed outside the house and Goku was in the yard entertaining himself by throwing rocks into the sky. The intent was to get the rocks to enter orbit via an escape velocity overhand, but there was no way of confirming whether or not any of the rocks made it through the first few layers of the atmosphere without disintegrating. 

Piccolo arrived quietly, followed shortly by Krillin, both looking particularly distressed. 

“Heyyy, I didn’t know you guys were coming over today!” Goku shouted unnecessarily, considering both of them weren’t standing much more than a few meters away. “Uh? Why do you guys look like that? What happened?”

“We’re trying to rent an apartment.” Krillin mumbled, kicking absently at a particularly long blade of grass. “It was hard, but we found one, but even though we can afford it, the owner won’t let us move in unless we can find a ‘guarantor’ or something. Whatever that is.”

“It’s someone who the property owner can go get money from if the people living there don’t pay enough!” Gohan offered from his window. The three men regarded him with mild indifference and said nothing. He retreated to his desk, embarrassed.

“Well, why do you need one of those?”

“I think paying for shelter is absurd.” Piccolo announced unprompted. “But to answer your question, we don’t have ‘jobs’.”

“Maybe not you, but I had an interview at an office yesterday and they said my resume was ‘shocking’.” Krillin said proudly. It hadn’t been a compliment. Goku looked impressed. 

“Just get jobs! You guys can do that! You’re great!”

“I don’t have a social security number and my birth date was unacceptable. It’s against the law to hire someone younger than fifteen years old.” It was said stiffly, as if the admission embarrassed him. 

“Oh, Mister Piccolo, you’re just a little bit older than me, right?” Gohan stuck his head out the window again, beaming. “Don’t feel bad. I still think you’re cool!”

“Look, see? No worries, just have Gohan write you a letter of recommendation.” The question earned Krillin a stern glare from Piccolo. Or maybe Piccolo was just looking down at him, since his face was stuck in a perpetual scowl regardless. 

“I’m sorry, guys, but I dunno what to do.” Goku said, shrugging. “I don’t know anything about that kind of stuff.”

“I told you we shoulda just gone to Bulma first.” 

Piccolo groaned dramatically.

“Hey, if you’re going to see her, I’ll go with you.” Goku said, brushing dust from his knees. 

“Can I come too, Dad?”

“Sorry, son, your mother would break my fingers if I took you.”

“Aw, okay. Say hi for me?”

He didn’t get a response before the three flew off.

Around an hour and two detours later, Piccolo, Krillin, and Goku were standing in the Briefs’ courtyard, experiencing the auditory assault of Mrs. Briefs talking at them while she watered flowers. No one else was around, which was unfortunate, and Bulma was taking forever to come outside.

“Do you think Bulma’s mom knows how leasing works?” Krillin whispered.

“What’s a leasing?” Mrs. Briefs asked. 

Bulma arrived, mercifully. “Hey, guys! What’s up?”

Piccolo curtly handed her a copy of the application as Krillin began to explain the situation very poorly. She scanned the document, eyebrows knit, before handing it back.

“Sorry, guys, you need someone who can produce sixty days’ worth of paystubs and their tax information. I don’t even have a credit score.” 

“But aren’t you rich? Like really rich?”

“My dad is, and he lets me use his card.”

“Then can we ask him?”

“No, sorry, he doesn’t hang on to that stuff.”

“But doesn’t he have to file taxes?”

“Um? Billionaires don’t pay taxes. Duh.”

That was a complete waste of time. Goku was bored and feeling useless and had wandered off. Bulma tapped her chin thoughtfully, cocked her hip. “I’m pretty sure Yamcha pays his taxes.”

“Great! Can we go talk to him?”

“I don’t know where he lives.”

“I thought he lived in the city.”

“He moved a few months ago, actually. Haven’t really heard from him since then. Jerk.”

“Yamcha’s not... usually like that. Why’d he move?”

She opened her mouth to respond only to be cut off by the awful screeching of the compound's back entrance being forced open.

"I don't believe it! Another! They sent another! The audacity! I have made many examples of their men and yet they continue!" 

Krillin stiffened, almost certain it was him Vegeta was screaming about, but it became apparent that he was barely aware of Bulma's visitors when he crossed the courtyard and tossed a mouse down at her feet. He pointed at her, furious.

"And you! A proper ruler would not allow such blatant disrespect from a lesser species! If they are to continue to reside within your conquered territories, then you must teach them to fear you!" She looked at the mouse with a bored expression, folded her arms casually. The mouse, surprisingly, had survived the capture, and it sat stunned on the pavement. 

"If you think psychological warfare is gonna work on mice, I have bad news for you, champ." She sighed, amused, and nudged the mouse away with her boot, inspiring the thing to dart off into the bushes. "See, look, it's so scared of me that it exiled itself."

"You should exterminate them all and be done with it."

"Can you like, at least pretend you know how to solve problems without resorting to genocide?"

Piccolo had officially run out of patience. "What in the Hell are you two talking about?" 

Vegeta looked between him and Krillin, features vaguely softening into something resembling confusion. "Why are these idiots here?"

Bulma answered before either of them even opened their mouths. "They need help getting an apartment." 

"Is that all? Pathetic. If you want it, then claim it."

"They can't do that, it's illegal. They have to rent it."

"So? Paying for shelter is an absurd concept anyway."

Piccolo snorted. Against his better judgment, Krillin spoke up. "Yeah, but what's with the mouse? This is the last place I'd expect an infestation."

Bulma stifled a laugh and Vegeta immediately resumed fuming. "Miniature espionage carried out by tiny infiltrators! She refuses to treat it as an act of war, which it clearly is!" 

Krillin furrowed his brow, arms folded. Piccolo sighed, irritated. "They're just mice, Vegeta."

"He's been mad ever since he saw one watching us. Thanks again for that hole in my wall." She glanced at him sideways.

"I draw the line at voyeurism!"

"I'm leaving." Piccolo announced before walking in the direction Goku had gone.

"You're talking about actual mice, right? Like, the animal?" 

"Yeah, mice. I found your rodent POW camp, by the way, and I'm gonna need you to clear that out."

Vegeta sputtered in protest. "But-,"

"Consider this an official pardon. Nobody's allowed to violate the Geneva Convention in my house, not even you."

He looked as if he were about to strike her, and when she didn't flinch, he relaxed and retreated, grumbling incoherently. Bulma grinned back at Krillin.

"How do you do that?" He asked incredulously, watching Vegeta reenter the complex. "Make him listen, I mean?"

"He found out that space princes don't have diplomatic immunity here and that he can't get away with destruction of property. I just barely managed to convince the chief of police that he's not a terrorist." She said, rubbing the back of her neck. "Now he thinks I have some sort of political authority."

"You threatened the police, didn't you."

"How else are you gonna make people do what you want?" Another grin, a bit more mischievous this time. "Don't tell him, but the mice are my doing, also."

Krillin narrowed his eyes. "You don't have to worry about that, but… why, exactly?"

"Prototype synthetic lifeforms. I perfected it on a small scale and can make a few fully grown mice every twelve hours or so."

"Yeah, but… why?"

"Don't criticize my hobbies."

A large aquarium was thrown from a window on the third floor, soaring a few meters before smashing into the yard, sending a dozen little white mice frantically scurrying off in random directions. 

"There goes the local ecosystem." Krillin deadpanned.

"No, it's cool, most of them are chemically unstable, so they'll melt the next time it rains." She said. 

"Have you thought about maybe getting a different hobby? One that's not completely immoral?"

"Maybe I should start giving the mice armor."

Goku was thrown from the same window as the aquarium and tumbled to a stop a few feet away from where the two were standing, followed shortly by Piccolo, who landed on top of him. Mrs. Briefs shrieked and dropped her watering can.

"Maybe you guys would have better luck with Master Roshi." Bulma suggested flatly.

Everyone in the vicinity knew it was unlikely the old man would be of any help whatsoever, but he was the only other person they knew who owned a home that had electricity.


End file.
